Regrets
by enabled
Summary: Pam does things she regrets along the way. PostCasino Night.


Pam knew she shouldn't be doing what she was. She hated that sort of woman, when they showed up on daytime tv shows like Oprah, she never felt an ounce of sympathy for them. They had done this to themselves, they had no one else to blame but themselves.

But she was one of them and short of the guilt, she was enjoying it.

They didn't talk about it, there was no need, they both realized that it was wrong. They didn't want this and she knew that there was a silent space between them and he hated her for what they were doing. But they couldn't, there was no way, they were too deep now. Things were too complicated and they weren't getting out of it without exploding.

She had married Roy and she was seeing Jim. She hated herself and she knew Roy was, but she couldn't let…no, she couldn't just let it end. She went and married Roy and not a few days later, she was with Jim, begging him to do things…well, things that were best unsaid.

They were very good at playing make believe, pretending that they weren't doing that. They behaved as normal (well for them) and then she would make up an excuse once or twice a week about working late or going out for drinks with people and she and Jim would meet.

It was wrong. Incredibly wrong. And she felt guilty, but she couldn't help herself. She didn't want to ruin Roy and she couldn't stop with Jim.

The only problem Pam feared was that Roy was beginning to get curious. They had begun to argue about how much she worked, how their conversations were limited, he said she was different. He was right.

It was easy for her to be mad at him. Roy, that was. It was easy for her to blame everything that had gone wrong with them on him. It was almost too easy to make him the enemy and she had. She hated it, but it was the only way in her mind that she could allow this to work. Anytime she did begin to feel guilty, she just remembered the way Jim felt or how his breath felt against her neck. It makes her dizzy just thinking about it.

Jim was everything Roy wasn't and that's what she needed.

"Hey." Pam jerks her head up to see Jim in front of her.

"Hey," Pam replies.

"Want me to walk you out to your car?" Jim asks. Pam takes a deep breath.

"Actually, yeah," Pam replies, smiling.

Jim smiles back and waits for her, handing her her jacket. She slips it on and they exit the office, not speaking.

"Hey Pammy." Pam hears Roy's voice as she and Jim wait for the elevator. She and Jim are always careful, they never stand too close or too far apart, but anytime they're both in Roy's presence, things got uncomfortable. "Daryl and some of the guys want to go for drinks, do you mind if I go?"

"No, that's fine," she replies with a smile. "Have fun."

Roy leans down and kisses her neck. "When I get home you and I are going to have the best sex we've had in a while."

Jim can hear, she can tell, he's looking around and shifting uncomfortably. She knows he's jealous. He wants to be the one who whispers in her ear, who she goes home with every night. But they can't for real. They can pretend.

"I can't wait," Pam lies.

"Halbert, you don't mind taking Pammy home do you?" Roy asks.

"Not at all," Jim says, smiling a little.

"Thanks," Roy says, slipping his arm around Pam before they all head into the elevator. When they reach Jim's car, Roy gives her an over-the-top send off, kissing her more than he normally does in public.

The drive to Jim's apartment is awkward and silent. They don't speak until they reach his house.

"Pam," he begins. She can tell he hates this just as much as she does, he doesn't even have to speak. He looks over at her. "We can't keep doing this. Every single time Roy touches you, I want to hurt him. I can't, we can't keep putting ourselves through this."

"For just a while longer," Pam promises. They walk into his house and it isn't four seconds later that he has her up against the wall and it's like they can't get enough of each other, if they don't keep doing this, they'll die. They need each other and they both know it.

As they go, the lies get bigger, they get bolder. One night, about six months later, Roy comes home drunk and Pam sneaks out to meet Jim in her driveway. They have sex in the car. Pam knows that they're spinning out of control, but they can't help it. She and Roy have all but quit having sex, Roy goes so far as begging her for anything. She doesn't give in.

* * *

She promises Jim that she'll try not to sleep with Roy, she intends to keep that promise. So their relationship suffers, perhaps more than before. They don't talk without yelling and Pam knows that there will be a breaking point. Now, she hopes that he'll break it off with her so he's the bad guy, she wishes for it.

That is until the day where Jim sees Roy grab Pam's arm.

Jim goes insane.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Jim yells, stalking towards Roy.

The cameras are watching as is most of the office. Later, Pam learns that Jim stormed out of the office swearing under his breath, so of course everyone had to fllow.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!" Jim screams. Even though Jim is staring Roy down, Roy is much larger than Jim everywhere it counts, but Jim has something on Roy. Jim can't stand to see Roy near Pam.

"What the hell, Halbert?" Roy asked, letting go of Pam's arm.

"Jim, calm down," Pam says, feeling very nervous. "We were just having an argument."

Jim glares at Roy. Roy glares back. Pam is standing between the two of them, it's then that she realizes this isn't the first time she's been in this position. She's been putting herself in the middle of this for a while now.

"Chill out, Halbert, me and Pammy were just having an argument," Roy says.

Jim doesn't say anything, but storms away.

Jim doesn'ttouch her over for two weeks.

* * *

Things have become tense between them, it's been over a year now. She and Roy celebrate their first year anniversary. Jim doesn't look at her that day, he doesn't even speak to her. They're quiet. Pam has sex with Roy that night for the first time in months. The next day, she can't look Jim in the eye. They both know without her even saying anything. 

Two weeks later, Jim comes into the kitchen while Roy is kissing on her neck. He turns around and leaves without saying anything. Pam sneaks a peak out the window to see Jim sit into his chair and glare towards the kitchen. She also sees Dwight look at him suspiciously.

"We need to stop," Pam says. "Not here."

"Come on," Roy replies. Pam looks at him, he's smiling. Pam feels her stomach drop. "Everyone knows we've just had our anniversary, they expect us to be like that."

"Roy, this is work, it's not professional," Pam says, moving away from him. Roy grabs her arm and for an instant Pam is afraid that he knows, in fact she's sure that he knows and his expression changes. "I just want it to be like the other night was, always. You don't want me anymore." He looks sad.

Pam kisses him. "I need to get back to work."

"I love you Pammy," Roy says. Pam smiles back, for once she can't bring herself to say it back.

She sits back down at her desk and Jim looks at her. Roy looks between them and for the first time in a long time she feels guilty.

"Don't think I don't know the way you look at her Halbert," Roy says. Everyone in the office looks. "She's mine. Not yours. I married her. She's i> mine /i> ."

Pam feels embarrassed and opens her mouth to say something, but before she can, Jim speaks.

"You did marry her," Jim replies. "But she doesn't belong to you and she never will."

Roy punches Jim.

The next day, Roy is fired.

* * *

Now that Roy isn't at work, they're not as careful. They flirt a little too much at work, make glances last a little too long, and they sneak away during lunch. After two weeks of this, Pam realizes the guys in the warehouse are suspicious and they still talk to Roy. She doesn't care. 

Things at home aren't going well. She and Roy argue more than ever. He wants her to quit and blames Jim for getting fired, Pam refuses. The refusal makes Roy even angrier. He spends more time away from home, so in return, so does she. She and Jim are together almost every night. The sex between them is better than ever, the best sex she's ever had in her life, better than Roy could ever promise.

Pam realizes that they're practically begging to be caught by this point. They steal kisses in the kitchen, one Monday they have sex in the parking lot. It's amazing. They can't get enough of each other. They're in love, they know it. Roy is the only thing standing in the way and Roy is the one thing they don't talk about.

Jim cooks her dinner. They read to each other. It's everything she's dreamed of, but there's only one thing standing in their way and it's the one thing Pam can't stand to get rid of. Even though she knows she could be happy with Jim, she has so much with Roy and she doesn't want to be the bad guy.

Finally, Pam makes her boldest move. She tells Roy she's going home for the weekend after an argument. She doesn't. She and Jim go away for the weekend.

Pam's boldest move is the one that gives them away.

Jim kisses her neck and neither of them are wearing clothes. The door goes flying open and Roy is standing there.

"I went home," Roy says. He's staring at them. "I wanted to apologize. Your mom tried to cover for you and I knew she was lying. The phone number for the hotel was on the night stand, I stole it and I prayed the entire time that you weren't here. That I wouldn't find you here fucking Halbert. Ruining my life."

Pam doesn't say anything.

"How long Pam?"

"A year and a half."

"Fuck you," Roy spits. "We were married. Fuck you. We had a life together and you threw it away. You ruined my life."

Roy crosses the room to grab Pam by the arm. Jim's quicker.

"I told you once not to touch her and I meant it," Jim says, standing up and holding the blanket around his waist. Pam has the sheet pulled up past her breasts and can't move.

"You ruined my life, Halbert," Roy says.

"She's not yours, she hasn't been for a long time," Jim tells him.

"You ruined my life and you're still acting high and mighty," Roy snarls. "You're scum, both of you." Roy looks at Pam. "Whore."

Pam cries the rest of the weekend, Jim consoles her. As much as she wants to be happy about the possibility of her new life with Jim, she's still sorry that her life with Roy is over and so much of it has ended.

* * *

Roy won't give her a divorce at first. She goes to the house to get her things, he won't let her in. Jim is there with her. 

Roy punches Jim again.

Jim gets a restraining order.

Pam isn't sure when her life turned into a soap opera, but it has, only unfortunatly for her, most of it is caught on camera. However, Jim is wonderful during the entire thing. He's so pleased that they can be together that he's back to his normal, cheerful, happy self. They find a place together and plan on getting married once the divorce is final.

Pam has many regrets. Loving Jim isn't one of them.

**Feedback is welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read this.**


End file.
